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| The Zardari & Singh show | | | Aditya Sinha
For Zardari the Merry Widower, being at the United Nations with other world leaders on his first trip abroad was better than any other coming out party he could have arranged. So what if the average American looks at him as nothing more than an exporter of cab drivers and heroin? So what if he’s undergoing the intestinal agonies of having to shut down all airports because of a terrorist threat? At least he now has occasion to show the world that he is not — despite what his lawyers told a British court in a case regarding his nine-room Surrey mansion, in an attempt to get Zardari’s exemption from personal appearances in the hearings — suffering dementia, brought on by years of imprisonment.
And if that weren’t enough, it looks like US Central Command has declared war on Waziristan. Invading helicopters filled with special ops troops, intense shooting wars — and not for the Taliban, but for Pakistan’s armed forces. Spare a thought for those guys, having to fight the likes of those who just bombed one of Islamabad’s best watering holes, the Marriott.That too, during Ramzan! Zardari’s woes also include a looming economic disaster.The inflation bomb is also ticking, threatening to explode into a Zimbabwelike situation.Well, okay,maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. But what’s real is the US economic crisis; there won’t be any more from where came the $12 billion that kept Pakistan liquid since 9/11. Zardari may as well enjoy being President now; he may very soon have to hand over true power to Robert Zoellick, World Bank president.
Zardari was getting no help from the Chinese, Pakistan’s “all-weather friends”, but you really can’t blame them, for President Hu Jintao and Prime Minister Wen Jiabao have got troubles of their own.The average Chinese is angry because so far, 50,000 Chinese babies have fallen ill from melamime-tainted milk.
And if that weren’t enough, the average Chinese is angry because so much of bursting Chinese dollar reserves went into failing American financial institutions such as Morgan Stanley, Freddie Mac & Fannie Mae, and even Lehman Brothers,which has gone bankrupt.
The National People’s Congress is threatening to investigate the Chinese Investment Corporation and the Chinese finance ministry.
Hu & Wen aren’t exactly losing sleep over Zardari’s problems.
So Zardari was at the UN, on his own. US presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain weren’t even in town; busy as they were trying to win the battle to take the credit for saving the universe from financial meltdown. He would have to make do with the Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah “Baracudda” Palin; no problem, he told his information minister Sherry Rehman, I’ll work my charm on her.
Zardari naturally went to pieces when he saw the woman whose boobs are as big as Alaska but her head as unpopulated. “Gorgeous,” he purred, licking his lips much like Heath Ledger in The Dark Knight. He even offered to hug her,but she gave him a look that marked him out as potential moose. Till then Obama, with his talk of invading Pakistan, had been striking terror in the hearts of ordinary Pakistanis.
No longer. Single-handedly, Zardari has ensured that if Palin comes to power, she will come to Pakistan, armed and loaded.
Manmohan had a turn with Palin. We all know he is a decent man, and can be trusted to be gallant with the ladies. Seeing that she was doing a crash course in foreign affairs,he decided to play the part of Professor Henry Higgins. Express brings you snippets of their conversation: Palin: Where is India? Manmohan: Next to Pakistan.
Palin: Oh.How interesting! And what brings you to America? Manmohan:Nuclear deal.Nuclear deal can solve any problem, from energy shortages to financial crises to terrorism to even halitosis, balding and low sperm count.
No wonder both of them look uncomfortable in the photos.Palin is wondering whether Manmohan is bald he is wondering whether she likes Zardari better.
Finally, it was time for the Zardari & Manmohan show. Manmohan put out his hand, but Zardari offered both his arms; they embraced warmly. Contrary to reports, they did not talk about terrorism, the Indian embassy blast in Kabul, the ISI, trade across the Line of Control, or even Kashmir. They instead talked about Palin.
Zardari: That Sarah Palin is a bomb.
Manmohan:Our Soniaji is no less. If Sarah is a bomb, then Sonia is a nuclear bomb.
Zardari: Ha, ha, Sonia is just a defused bomb.
Manmohan: But have you seen that new Israeli Prime Minister? Zardari:Tzipi Livni. She used to be Mossad! She’s a suicide-bomb.
Manmohan: But you can’t be friends with a Jew! Zardari: Well, there’s always Argentina’s president, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner.
Manmohan: Where’s Argentina? The truth emerged that night,when our PM had dinner with US president George W Bush.
Manmohan could not contain himself. “Mr President,” he said, “This may be my last trip during your presidency, but let me tell you… the people of India love you very much.” It was revealing for two reasons. One, our PM wants to keep visiting the US, which means he has no intention of retiring: in the hugely unlikely event of the Congress returning to power, he would like to again be PM.
More importantly, he feels strongly for George & Dick (Cheney). Have you ever heard our PM say that he loves India, or that he loves Parliament, or that he loves the Congress party, or that he loves L K Advani, or even that he loves the nuclear deal? No, each speech by the PM, indeed each utterance is devoted to curing the most stubborn of insomniacs. It’s not just his delivery, but the utterly soporific words he chooses. To thus say that George is loved,well, that’s tantamount to Zardari asking that Sarah for a hug.
If you think this column is being absurd again, just look at the accomplishments of Manmohan & Zardari as the two fly home.
One did not sign a nuclear deal; the other did not get respite from the US War on Waziristan. Despite their declarations of selfimportance, they really matter very little when it is crunch time at the high table of international relations. No wonder they had little to do except stand around at the margins and ogle at other world leaders. |
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