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| How to Beat a Backstabber | | |
by Ylonda Gault Caviness
5 ways to bounce back from betrayal.
Just days after Vanessa Monroe invited a fellow attorney to join her Flossmoor, Illinois, real estate law practice, she found out he was trying to lure her clients for himself. “I can’t stop wondering why someone would want to steal my business when I’d already offered to share,” she says. “The why still gnaws at me.”
Being stabbed in the back can rock you to the core. And when the wound’s caused by someone you work with—whether on the job, at church, or in a volunteer organization—it can ruin your reputation, stall your productivity, damage important relationships, and even threaten your livelihood.
The fallout may affect your health, too, says Alan M. Langlieb, MD, director of workplace psychiatry at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Anxiety, rage, depression, and stress could lead to serious physical ailments ranging from headaches and gastrointestinal problems to high blood pressure and heart attack.
Betrayals are a natural part of working relationships. And many offenses are unintentional, according to ongoing research conducted over the last 15 years by the Reina Trust Building Institute, a Stowe, Vermont–based organization research-and-development firm. For example, in many organizations ideas are discussed, dissected, and distilled so much that it can eventually be difficult to recall where a thought first came from. “You can’t really avoid betrayal, but you can work through it by being aware and proactive,” says Dennis Reina, co-founder of the institute and co-author of Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace: Building Effective Relationships in Your Organization. Here are some tips.
Maintain professionalism, even when you’re working with a club or in church. “Share ideas judiciously,” says Yvonne Thomas, PhD, a Los Angeles psychologist who specializes in career counseling. “But keep personal matters to yourself.”
Make yourself note worthy. To “copyright” your ideas, send a memo to your team after important meetings, says Roberta Chinsky Matuson, principal of Human Resource Solutions in Northampton, Massachusetts. “People are less likely to mess with a person who is proactive,” she says.
Avoid a knee-jerk reaction. Ask yourself: “Was I backstabbed or maybe just overlooked? How important is this? How will this betrayal affect my credibility?” says Carly Drum, managing director of Drum Associates, a New York–based executive recruiter. Then, plan an appropriate response.
Clear the air. But choose your words carefully. “Say something like, ‘I was surprised by what you said in the meeting. I thought you’d remember that was my idea,’” says Peggy Klaus, author of Brag! The Art of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It. “The trick here is to confront without being confrontational.”
Let it go. “Grieving is natural after something like this,” Thomas says. But try to forgive. If you don’t, “the passive-aggressive behavior that usually results can damage your reputation,” she says. Don’t be hard on yourself, but from here on out always watch your back.
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